Book review: Doctor Who – The Twin Dilemma

Cross-posted from my Hardcore Nerdity blog:

Title: Doctor Who - The Twin Dilemma
Author: Eric Saward
Publisher: Target Books
Publication date: 1986

"The Twin Dilemma". Oh dear. Oh dearie, dearie dear. Okay, some background on this novelisation of a Doctor Who story.

A couple of years ago, the Doctor Who franchise hit its 200th televised story (not episode, but story - back in the day, stories were several episodes long) with "Planet of the Dead". So Doctor Who Magazine held a poll, wherein readers picked their favourite stories. The 1984 story "The Twin Dilemma", written by one Anthony Steven, came dead last. 200th out of 200. Sure, some story had to come in last. Such is the nature of lists. "The Twin Dilemma", however, mostly deserved it. It's really not a good story. Really, really not a good story.

"The Twin Dilemma" was the first full story for Colin Baker, the 6th actor to play the part of the Doctor. Having just regenerated from the Peter Davison incarnation, the new Doctor goes completely insane for much of the story, shouting at his companion Peri, attempting to strangle her, deciding to become a hermit (with Peri in tow) to atone for the strangling, and choosing to wear the ugliest coat in existence. Somewhere in there, in a setting of the year 2300, there's a couple of brilliant, but annoying, young twins (played by a real-life pair of annoying twins who can't act), an old Time Lord friend of the Doctor, a space cop and a giant slug named Mestor. It's not as good as it sounds.

So, why the hell did I read the novelisation of this story? Because I'm a hardcore Doctor Who fan, who will read, watch or listen to pretty much anything to do with the program. Plus, I thought, surely the story must be better in written format. Right? Right!?

Well, it might have been better, if it hadn't been adapted by Eric Bloody Saward! Eric Saward was the script editor for Doctor Who for a number of years, including most of Colin Baker's time in the role. Saward, unfortunately, was kind of a prick. He seemed determined to suck the joy out of the program. Every interview I've ever seen with the man makes me want to slap that self-important smirk off his face. But, hey, maybe he'd write a good novelisation and improve the story a little. He did, after all, write at least one decent story for the show, 1982's "Earthshock".

Oy.

Saward even writes smug. He really does. He tried to liven up "The Twin Dilemma" by giving it a little humour. But Saward is trying to write like Douglas Adams, with bizarre tangents, which might have been funny if worked into a story that was humourous in the first place. It just comes across as... annoying. "Hey, look at how funny I am!" Just when the rambling plot finally starts to do something, along comes another comedy aside, which is almost certain to include a reference to a fictional alcoholic beverage called Voxnic. Maybe Saward was drunk when he penned this. (Hell, I'm willing to bet he was drunk through much of his time as story editor for the show.)

He screws around with the characters a bit too much as well. Azmael, an old friend of the Doctor, is a renegade Time Lord too, not content with life on their home world of Gallifrey. In this adaptation, Saward turns him into a mass murderer, having, in a fit of pique, killed the entirety of a previous Time Lord Council as part of his back story! And we're supposed be sympathetic towards the guy! Hugo, the space cop, is made into a shallow mercenary, who only cares about getting a promotion. Saward's answer to a story full of unlikable characters, is to make the characters even more unlikable.

The plot, like the original, just sort of ambles along until the Doctor stumbles onto things. He doesn't really have much to do with what's going on, something that much of Colin Baker's tenure suffers from.

So, no, I guess I wasn't terribly impressed with this novelisation. Still, onwards. What's up next in my Doctor Who pile? "Attack of the Cybermen". Enh. Again, not a highlight of the Colin Baker years. Still, it might be an all right adaptation. Let's see who wrote-- Oh, frak me.

Eric Bloody Saward!